Today is about the truth. I have been racking my brain to find something to post about that would be exciting and exponentially more helpful than my last posts. Something that would bring me immediate blogger fame ; ) But I am remembering that this is not about just getting a few more views, or a few more followers, but it is a space to speak about creation, art and God’s grace there.
I’m in a specific place in my life, where I am attempting, to be fully awake, and choose joy no matter what the circumstances are. Remembering God allows us to be in a certain place as a part of our story. Whether that be for us, or for others, or both. Remembering God makes all things work together for our good. Remembering, and attempting, not to live in anticipation of what’s next but to be fully present, and enjoy what is happening right now.
It’s not wrong, to look towards the future. To set goals and to have dreams. It’s wrong to live as if you cannot be happy until that happens.
Right now? I can’t wait until I’m not broke anymore.
I’m sorry that’s a stretch. I have a full time job and I can pay my bills. But I have quite a large amount of debt for just a few years of college. I’ve accepted this is normal for most 20-something’s, but it just seems like with how hard and how much I work I deserve a bit more.
Deserve. Ouf. That dreadful word. I have lived so much of life being bitter or being prideful over what I deserve. And why? Why do I “deserve” any of the good things that have happened to me? Because I was born into a really awesome and fortunate family and was able to go to college and hair school and finish with a license and a degree? Or because I am a Christian and strive towards a relationship with Jesus, pray every day, and at least attempt to follow what I feel I am called to do? So I deserve whatever I want?
It really takes writing it all down to see how twisted my thinking is and how much has really just been given to me by grace and grace alone.
I’m always feeling really awesome about life. About my job and the people in my life and my ability each month to pay a little more debt off. And then I have a rough day, or week or month. And I start feeling really negative about all of it.
This week, I was pretty busy at work. I spent Thursday on my feet from 9:30 AM to 6:30 PM. And by that I mean I truly sat down twice for five minutes at a time. I had some really awesome clients and connected with them and worked so very hard. I left Thursday feeling exhausted but so gratified. I was “good tired”.
So then I went to work Friday. I went in feeling pretty positive about the day and even excited for it and Saturday. I thought about how great it was to love my job so much and to be so beat yet feel so good about it.
And then I checked my sales.
Yikes. They weren’t terrible, but after my extremely long day Thursday and what was coming Saturday I just assumed they would be through the roof.
I know it sounds so silly but in this career you have to always work harder and harder, consistently build a bigger clientele and always improve your sales. Sometimes it means I completely fixate myself on every last dollar and how much money I am, or am not, making.
So I spent the rest of my day Friday feeling so burnt out, “bad tired” and just sad. Because I worked really hard that week and what’s the purpose of working hard if you can’t leave work in a Dodge Viper, right? (Just kidding).
I must sound really sad, and pathetic. People go through so much hardship and I am over here complaining about not making enough money. So I am sorry if I am coming off whiney. I just want to be real about what I am struggling with. Something, I find, quite a few artists struggle with as well.
I am recognizing the overwhelming and abundant blessings in my life right now. But as a human, it is so easy to be unhappy, and anticipate what is next.
So I am trying to live in the present, to enjoy all of God’s blessings, to recognize them, and to be grateful for them. And to remember how true it is that my work does not define me, and that my feelings are going to change all the time.
I love what I do and I love coming home after a long day and feeling good about what I do. But it’s so much more than that.
The truth about what I do is that God called me there, He lead me to this career and He is leading me through it. The truth about what I do is that sometimes when I get out of my own way I can recognize some of the cool ways God can use me there. The truth about what I do is that there is a lot of materialism and self-focusedness, and God can teach me ways to redeem that.
But sometimes I feel really crappy when I remember I still live in my parents basement. Or I feel really bad when I work hard and I am exhausted and I still can’t afford “nice things”.
Emotions are so fleeting and I am going to feel differently about what I do every 32 seconds.
“Maturity is when your convictions and beliefs trump your thoughts and feelings”.
The truth is that I love what I do and it’s what God’s called me to. So I am striving to remember how important it is to work hard each day despite how my paycheck may look. And to choose joy, daily, and enjoy where I am right now, because I can live in the truth of who God is and what he’s called me to and not just how I am feeling that day.
Happy Monday, friends : )