Friday night feels

Hi guys!

I wanted to write tonight about a little that’s going on in my life.

These past two years I have been working my butt off to build a clientele at the salon. I have gone in early and stayed late day after dayย in order to keep building. I have seen my self-confidence go up and down, wondering why some weeks I am crazy busy and some I have three clients. I have struggled with finding my identity in Jesus when I feel zero self worth in my work place. I have struggled with finding my identity in Jesus when I feel complete self worth in my work place. I have become prideful, bitter, and cynical, and tried desperately to remember it is by God’s grace that I have any creative ability. I have tried desperately to remind myself how God can work through my art, through my creativity, through my relationships with my clients and my coworkers.

I have struggled so much.

I compare myself to anyone and everyone. I constantly go from thinking I am not good enough to thinking I am too good for my only sometimes busy schedule.

This month crazy things happened! A fewย of the girls left the salon, which was really sad. They all went on to different careers, which is super exciting. We were sad to see them go but I am, of course, so excited to see what happens to them on their journey. (I swear one of them is going to be so famous. Her voice is almost as beautiful as she is. Check her out here).

Because of the overflow of clients, my schedule got INSANELY busy overnight. Which is awesome! I had been praying for this for months. But, of course, my first response was to complain about how tired and burnt out I was. It’s something I’m working on.

I’m still struggling to remember my identity lies in Christ and Christ alone. I’m still comparing myself to others every day. Our prayers aren’t always answered the way we want them to and even if they are, it doesn’t always make things easier.

But that’s ok! There is so much beauty in choosing joy beyond that, and finding peace through Christ in that.

I am consistently reminded that that is ok. Life is good. I am strangely at peace knowing my own plans have already changed and will probably continue to change over the course of my life.

I hope that no matter what, I am able to remember that everything matters. You can thank my good friend Nick Kole for that one. He is so smart and talented and speaks much more eloquently than I do. But that’s ok, this post still matters ๐Ÿ˜‰ Every haircut, every client, every conversation matters.

Every day seems the same. I have clients, I do their hair, I talk to them about their life and get as personal as they would like to, and I drink a lot of coffee. I consistently forget how each of these clients, the conversations, the hair, the coffee, it all matters. Today I had a clientย who heard about me through her sister, found me on Instagram, and wanted me to do her hair because she is new to her faith, knew I was a christian, and also needed some highlights ๐Ÿ™‚ HOW FREAKING AWESOME. A woman, found me, knew I was a Christian, came in, and we talked about hair and Jesus. DO YOU ALL KNOW THAT THIS IS LITERALLY MY DREAM.

I love to talk to my clients about all things from sports (LOL) to fashion to animals. But when I get to talk about my Jesus, when I get to talk about my faith, when I get to talk about my church and my church community, in my WORKPLACE, while I am creating something, like God created me, that’s the dream.

I am praying to learn more about any of the ways God can use something as simple as this blog to honor Him, and allow more conversations for me to open up about Him. I am praying that God can be honored even if I am showing something as simple as an up-do tutorial or giving hair tips.

Like I said before my friend Nick is crazy talented, and he’s also somewhat of an internet phenom, so you should really check him out ๐Ÿ™‚

“An anon on tumblr recently asked me for tips on how to smile “like a bowl of sunshine in your book selfie”.

I thought about it for a second, and then I laughed a little…

Step 1: Have your life fall apart.

Step 2: By the grace of God alone through the good will of your family and dear friends, get back on your feet over the course of two years. Pick yourself back up. Be picked back up. Realize that God loves you and isn’t going to give up on you even when you’re tempted to give up on yourself. Don’t give up on yourself, let prayer and scripture and friendship hold you together and stand you back up on your feet. Learn to work hard again.

Step 3: 2 years later, hold something that reminds you that things can and do get better.

Smile.”

I stole this from Nick because prior toย working at the salonย I was in one of the worst places of my life.

I left Gordon College in 2010, and it was a confident yet terribly upsetting decision. Gordon was my dream school. I went into my Freshman year with the hopes of meeting my husband immediately, much like many other Gordon Freshmen, and getting out of school with a dream job and dream husband and no debt. Haha! They never teach you in high school how unrealistic most of your dreams are. Anyways I didn’t meet my husband but I did meet a someone. I left Gordon with a bad name, a restraining order, heartbreak, debt, confusion, and no idea of what I wanted to do in my future.

I started community college in the spring and decided to go to Toni&Guy to get my cosmetology license that fall. Some of my friends responded by telling me I would make no money or that I was too smart to go to hair school. Life is really all about being the smartest and the richest, right? Of course not.

Anyways, I started hair school and met some inspiring people. But I didn’t have a community. I was getting through the most insane amount of heartbreak I’d ever experienced in 20 years. I went to a church full of rich, middle-aged, white people, which is great and they did a lot of really awesome things, but I had zero friends there. Young people would come one sunday and be scared off by the one 20-something (me) who immediately wanted to be their friend. I worked in a restaurant 3-4 nights a week to barely break even with life and bills, and I was finishing my associates at the local community college. I was busy from 7 AM to 11 PM every day. I was miserable.

I obviously couldn’tย be grateful for my wonderful family or the few people in my life who really did love and care about me. It is easy to forget those things when life sucks, am I right?

I finished school in August, got invested in Sanctuary in September, made some of the best friends I’d ever had, and met the man of my dreams in October. WHAT?! Life was suddenly perfect and surreal. I spent late nights with friends playing Super Smash Bros and cried the happiest of tears every Sunday and I fell in love with the most wonderful man. All of these things I had been so beyond desperate for, yearning for, happened to me in the blink of an eye, and it was so beautiful.

And I, of course, found reasons to complain. My next anticipation came in the form of constantly wondering when I would be rich, and assuming I wouldn’t be trulyย “happy until that happened. I’m still anticipating this very moment, actually. Anyways the point is that immediately after all that I had “really wanted” came to me, it wasn’t enough. I needed more. I am never grateful and content enough.

The point of this post is not that I completely suck, or that my life is perfect, or that my life was once very un-perfect. I just wanted to write about all of the ways I have struggled as an existing member of society and a follower of Jesus as a 20-something. It’s hard. God’s given me a lot in my career and I am trying so hard to figure out how to balance it well, how to do it, and do it well, how to do it in ways that honor Him every single day.

Like my friend Nick said, it also took me two years, and this job right now; my happy and pleased clients, my conversations about life and faith, they are the things I can hold dearly in my workplace, as aย reminder that God brought me through Hell and back to get here because He loves me that much. And I am so beyond undeserving.

So every time I begin to think about all that I deserve, I will try desperately to remember all that I don’t deserve, yet have still been given.

I wish joy and peace and love on this beautiful weekend. Thank you so, so much for reading.

/m.

You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.

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2 thoughts on “Friday night feels

  1. Maddie – I absolutely LOVE this post!! You are an incredible writer and I am so blessed that you’re my friend ๐Ÿ™‚ thank you for being so open and honest.

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